


louder, louder, louder, louder, louder

by tarm



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama, Fix-It, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Songfic, Spoilers, third semester spoiler, true ending spoiler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:13:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23793667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarm/pseuds/tarm
Summary: akechi chose to love and to die
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Comments: 14
Kudos: 114





	louder, louder, louder, louder, louder

**Author's Note:**

> two men in love — the irrepressibles
> 
> when the third semester began, I was happy at first, then I was broken and the post-credits scene left me dead
> 
> but I fixed it 
> 
> idk I just feel like this is what their relationship looks like

when you open me  
i feel real

  
Devastated.

Ren feels devastated.

For _he_ is right in front of Ren, who is clutching his phone, not quite believing that this is actually happening.

  
Ren was lost, desperate but has made peace with the fact that he would _only_ see Akechi again behind bars, but Goro is right in front of him, safe and free as if nothing ever happened.

As if it wasn’t Goro who disappeared behind that door, locked with himself and buried in gunfire, as if it wasn’t his glove that Ren held on to every night since then hoping that this all would turn out fine, as if it wasn’t Goro who appeared out of nowhere and turned himself in to the police, giving Ren hope and immediately taking it back.

Ren did accept that that was it. The end of their barely existing, causing destruction and pain connection.

Ren feels devastated.

Devastated that he can’t reach out, can’t take _his_ hand, because he has no right.

He has no right to hold his hand, hug him or tell him how he really feels.

Even though they had sex almost every time they met.

They fucked in Penguin Sniper’s restroom, in the bathhouse, in backstreets of Kichijoji (Akechi was thrilled to see Ren getting nervous each time he thought he heard something), hell, even in Leblanc, in Ren’s room.

Ren knows the meaning behind every move, every sound Goro makes. He knows that Goro is more of a taker than of a giver; he likes it fast, rough and needs the pain; he likes it when Ren slowly pulls off Akechi’s glove and having put it on, touches him, brushing the cold material against Goro’s skin; likes it when he is bitten, especially his neck, and is eager to bite back. He leaves Ren with scratches and bites all over his body and grins as if the whole world is at his feet. He presses Ren against walls, grabs his neck, but Ren cannot kiss him until Goro reaches out for it first (which happens only in _rare special_ moments, when Goro can’t keep it together anymore, when he can’t pretend that he is alright). He leaves Ren with blood smeared all over his face from biting and desperate, aggressive kissing. 

Goro jokes that they will either kill each other or get married one day, and Ren despairingly hopes for the latter. 

_If only he could hold Goro’s hand one day._

***

Maruki knows what he’s talking about when he suggests that Ren accepts this reality, where he and Akechi are free, where they do have a future, and what a great amount of effort it takes not to give in. There is no way for them to live here because it’s not their world, because Akechi must atone for his crimes, because Akechi chose to. And Ren won’t rob him of this choice.

Ren tries to speak to him — about everything that happened at Shido’s palace — but Goro refuses to.

All Ren can do is wait.

And wonder why they must be so unhappy.

Ren knows the _real Goro Akechi_. Deep down inside he probably had known all along that Akechi’s dangerous, that he’s an _enemy_. And he wasn’t even a bit surprised when Akechi said that he hated him.

The words didn’t surprise him, sure, but they hurt so much, as if his heart broke that moment for the fisrt time in his life.

It was Akechi who started their connection. He started ambiguous glances and touches and unambiguously went down on Ren first — in café’s restroom. 

Ren knew there was a reason behind it, knew that Akechi’s goal was to get information, that there was no place for love or sincerity in the relationship they shared, but still he decided to play along, not expecting that he will be dying from desperation and stupid joy each time Goro Akechi smiles at him. 

There is no way of actually telling if Goro’s smile is real or fake — he learned to hide his true self too perfectly — except for the moments when Ren feels his body as close to his own as it is possible without dissolving in each other, when Ren brushes his lips against pale skin, biting gently but Akechi demands rougher. _More painful._

Goro pants, his face turns red, his hair gets messy, he swears and moans… and opens up. 

He couldn’t care less now about the game he started — it turned out to be not what he expected anyway. Now he simply enjoys all of it: enjoys Ren, their talks, their connection — and for the same reason hates it all. 

He jokes that they will either kill each other or get married one day, and despairingly hopes for the former. 

_If only he could ask Ren to hold his hand one day._

***

They are standing in a small room filled with boxes and books and papers and watching a video of Maruki’s memory. 

The one where he lost Rumi. 

Ren can sense that all his partners are hurt, filled with grief from realising what led Maruki to create this universe where everyone is “happy” and how sorrowful he actually is. Even Akechi is too tense and lost in thought until Futaba addresses him.

When they all return to the real world and having said goodbyes part their ways, Akechi, without saying a word, goes with Ren, ignoring others’ glances. 

He is not alright. 

“Do you want to stay in this universe?”

Goro slowly looks around Ren’s room, observing the sofa Morgana sleeping on, the dolls on the table and tons of presents on the shelf. 

He used to be so jealous of that. 

He used to go so fucking crazy because Ren had everything Akechi had ever dreamed of. But then… at some point it didn’t matter anymore. 

For Goro did actually have someone who cared for him — Ren — and Goro was deliberately doing everything he could to push him away. 

Stupid, foolish Ren who even bothered to make Goro a cup of his favourite coffee and now gives it to him with a smile. Ren sits opposite him, cross-legged, and lets Goro put his cold feet on his thighs. 

“Yes.”

“But you won’t.”

Ren looks at him, mournful and burnt with pain, and nods. 

“But I won’t.”

And it’s not like Goro expected a different answer. 

He wouldn’t stay here himself: it’s not their reality, just an empty lie, but what they shared, however atrocious and miserable it was, it was real. 

“Would you mind if I stayed here tonight?”

Goro stands up to put the empty cup on the table and nearly drops it, when he hears “Not at all”. 

He was waiting for this answer. 

But he didn’t dare hope for it. 

Goro unfastens his vest, shirt, neatly places them on a chair and takes off his trousers. He freezes immediately despite a heater working, and Ren stares at goosebumps on his terribly thin legs. 

Goro climbs onto the bed close to Ren and puts his head on Ren’s shoulder (felt more like it fell).

He doesn’t say anything, when Ren’s fingers shyly run over his shoulders and spine, when Ren hugs him carefully, covering him with a blanket, and kisses him on the crown of his head. 

Goro nudges Ren gently — so that they both fall back on Ren’s pillow — and then kisses him, lying on top of him. Ren tucks Goro’s locks benihd his ears, touches softly his cheeks and neck and looks at him so tenderly and warm as if in front of him was someone who he loves dearly. 

Goro falls asleep on Ren’s shoulder, feeling how Ren pulls him closer. 

_Would you mind if I stayed here, with you, for forever?_

_Please, stay with me for forever._

When he is about to leave early in the morning, Goro wakes Ren up, and Ren immediately, with no traces of sleep left, asks him to wait. Ren storms to the bathroom and gets ready in a few minutes which is probably a record for him, while Goro notices a familiar black piece under the pillow.

_He did hold on to it._

Ren leaves Sojiro a note that he has some business he has to attend so early, and they go out followed by Morgana’s worried look. 

“We must go to Mementos.”

With no explanation, Goro silently waits for Ren to nod and then activates the app. 

It feels like blood red walls are crushing Ren, depriving him of air, for the last time they were in Mementos together with Akechi… the memories of it are too unbearable for him to relive them.

He doesn’t know what to do.   
~~~~

~~Akechi~~ Crow remains silent, leans against a blooded wall of Mementos and freezes. 

Ren hears sobbing. 

_Goro_ lifts his head up, slightly hitting the cold wall, and cries. 

Sniffing, sobbing — louder and louder as though he was a storming sea — and Ren walks up to him, risking being taken away by the waves, and reaches for him. He touches skin not covered by mask, stroking it softly and trying to calm Goro but it only gets worse. 

It’s painful to be touched like this, because he believes he doesn’t deserve it. Anyone can be touched like that but not him.

Akechi is a horrible person. He’s killed, envied, hated. 

He said right to Ren’s face that he hated him, fuck, even tried to kill him — he’d do anything to erase him from his soul. 

He’d do anything not to admit that Ren is the better of the two of them, that Ren deserves everything he’s got. _Everyone_ who stuck around. 

And that Akechi will never ever be worthy of that. 

Goro can’t accept his second chance here, in this universe of lies, for all his journey, all his love and realisation what mistakes he made would mean nothing after all. The moments when they laughed together, when Ren smiled at him, and no matter how hard Goro tried _not_ to love it, his heart was pounding; the moments when Goro could barely hold back his tears, politely smiling at Ren while saying goodbye and hating him inside, when he tried to justify it all by convincing himself that he was simply using Ren but actually melted from Ren’s single glance; the moments when Akechi realised that Ren was alive, when he, bloody hell, was so relieved he could finally breathe, and then he was dying so that Ren and his friends could escape, when he was too sick of pretending, when he was ready at last to atone for what he did — all of that wouldn’t matter. 

Goro wishes he could push Ren away right now, tell him he loathes him but he can’t. 

He can’t lie anymore. 

_And Ren takes his hand._

Without thinking, without fear, grasps it to show that he’s here for him, but Goro weeps even harder. 

Because he knows that he’s dead, that he’ll disappear, once they refuse to live in this universe; because it feels like Ren will never let him go even if Goro destroys the whole world. 

Because Ren knows him, knows how broken Goro is, and still remains the only person to accept the real Goro Akechi, the only one to love him. 

Goro will do everything he can to return Ren where he belongs. 

He takes the mask off, throwing it away, and sniffing wipes his tears. Goro looks Ren right in the soul until several eternities pass and embraces him. Reaching for him while being reached, caressing his hair while his own is caressed, holding him while being held. 

Goro wants to leave without regrets. 

“Let’s get married one day.”

Ren freezes in surprise, not quite sure what to say, but then he nods determinedly, looking Goro straight in the eyes, and Akechi smiles. 

Truly tender and genuine, because now he knows that he has someone he has to return to. 

“That’s a promise.”

_I will return to you no matter what._

  
***

“… I created a reality where you two could have a fresh start together.”

Maruki surely knows where to hit. 

Maruki’s words tear Ren’s heart apart, feasting on all the hope Ren had left. 

There was never a second chance for them. 

There was never hope for them. 

Ren glances at Goro and realises: he knew. 

He knew he’d disappear and at the same time so desperately refused to stay here. 

For he chooses to love and die the way he wants to, not the way someone else cooked up for him. 

And Ren would trade the universe for Goro’s life, but it’s not his decision to make. 

All he can do is hold Goro through the night, trying to keep in memory all the kisses, tender and sad, they share, without bursting into crying, for it’s too hard to bear, too painful. Akechi falls asleep on Ren’s lap and Ren doesn’t even want their true reality anymore. He knows he must make it all right but the cost is too high. 

Tomorrow Goro Akechi will be gone. 

Leaving Ren with a promise he could not keep. 

***

Morgana sleeps at the adjacent seat while Ren looks at the station where they stopped, leaning against the window, lost in thought and not paying attention to what’s happening around. 

He leaves too much back in Tokyo, he left to much back in the fake reality, and now, overflowing with emotions from goodbyes with his friends, he is trying to fill his empty, torn apart by Maruki heart. 

(He’s not sure he’ll manage.) 

  
Ren looks at the station where they stopped, lost in thought and not paying attention to what’s happening around, until he catches a glimpse of beige coat and trousers — so painfully familiar and familiarly painful because it can’t be real. 

_"You think?"_

Joker grins at shocked Ren in reflection before the train departs leaving Joker behind. 

Ren can’t help but still watch his reflection not knowing what he’s supposed to do, when someone sits on the seat opposite him and with a pleased smile reaches for Ren and touches his hand. 

“We made a promise, remember?”


End file.
